No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
