put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
