he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize