I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
