Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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