I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just found a bag of teeth...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
