So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
