i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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