You really coming over, don't trick.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
