11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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