fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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