Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
