In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
