My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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