also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
