Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize