I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
