I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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