her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
