Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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