I will die if light touches me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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