Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize