can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
