i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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