I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
