the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
