filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
