and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize