I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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