Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
