I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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