splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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