Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dick very happy bro
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize