y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
