I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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