I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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