I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
