I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
