Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
