I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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