Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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