Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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