thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
