I met the friendliest cop last night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
