So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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