we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
