I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
