This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
