Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
