what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
