I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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