I'm going to rape someone's good day.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My bed smells like the plague
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
