I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize