i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
