i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
