just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
