I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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