"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
