I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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