I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
