I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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