I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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