So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
