I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This is the high leading the old right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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