1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
