And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
