Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize